Over one year later!

Wow!  I had no idea it has been so long since I've posted on a blog.

I admit it.  I had abandoned you for a while.  I'm sorry. 

Well, no.  I'm not really.

You see, I've been busy living life.  Not writing about it.

I've been on this journey to health and fighting, scrapping, struggling to lose every pound and work on the low-to-no-sugar intake, and eating clean and healthy.

It's been more about losing weight than just the weight.  It's been about the journey I've been on.

A wonderful, walk through life that has led me to losing down to my lowest at 209.5.

Now, that may still seem pretty big to some of you but my highest was 253 and so I see that as a 43.5 pound victory.  And I did it a healthy, clean way.  Eating good and exercising!

Yeah.  Uh-huh!  Me!  I did this.  With the help of the hubs and a sweet friend who is my accountability partner.

Now for confession...I've gained a little of the weight back and I'm ready to jump back in and dive in.  However, I'm on a different journey this time.

Somewhat of a soul journey, a spiritual journey, as well as the journey to health. 

I'm completely convinced our spiritual and emotional health and well being are completely connected to what we eat and don't eat.  What we drink and don't drink.  And whether or not we exercise or live a sedentary life.

So, here I am again thinking if I blog it, it will hold me accountable.

To my friends, to myself, to the blog world.

That's a pic of me this summer just before a walk.  New workout clothes.  Yeah, I'm looking better.  I'm feeling better.  Now, time to dive back in!

Another new journey

Well, I bet you thought I had abandoned this blog and the journey to health again, huh?

No such thing!

Stalled, maybe.  But abandoned?  No!

I weighed in at 242.5 a week or so ago and today I weighed 244.  My weight goes up and down and changes so drastically, it's difficult to keep up with.

I have been sick with asthma flare-ups and have found it difficult to eat healthy and concentrate on losing weight when all I want to do is self-soothe.  And what better way for a food addict to self-soothe, than by eating?

I've made a decision.  It may not be a popular decision, but I've come to this on my own with much research and determination.  I'm going to be starting Herbalife very soon.

I know there is talk both for and against it.  I know it's a little expensive.  I also know it's all natural and it works! 

I've watched my sister drop about 65 lbs, very quickly and she is maintaining easily.  Once she told me of her eating habits and the way she eats, it's very similar to how I eat.  Tweaking a little here and a little there and using supplements to boost my metabolism will help get me started. 

Once I start losing weight I usually get very excited and find it easier to say no to the foods that are bad for me.

My difficulties?  Including the family in with my meals.  How to incorporate my crazy schedule and eating out.  Finding time to work out.

Those are most people's gripes and complaints, so I know I'm not by myself.

But, rather than complain and say why I think it will be hard, I want to celebrate why I think this is a good decision for me. 

I NEED this.

I.

Need.

This.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm tired of the yo-yo dieting.

Lose 20 lbs.  Gain 25 back.

I will be celebrating 25 yrs of marriage next October and I intend to do it at a great deal less of a person that I am now.

My all time goal is 175 lbs.  My super-duper, I'll-never-make-it goal is 150. 

Now, I may make it.  I've been there before.  It was hard.  It was dang hard.  But I've been there.  It was small for me and my hubby begged me to not lose any more weight.  Well, that didn't seem to be a problem as I became a growing alcoholic and drank and smoke my weight back up from 149 lbs to 175ish. 

That's where I was when we adopted the first set of children.  Three kids.  At one time.  Ages 4, 5 and 7. 

It was hard and through the past 12+ years, I've gained the weight back that I lost and then some.

So, I'm ashamed of what I've let myself become.  But I wear the weight as battle scars.  And that's not good.

When you come thru battle, you earn medals, not scars.  So, the medal I seek is to lose the weight,  Yet again.  And to become encouraged by taking control of my life once again.

And once again, another new journey begins.

It's Friday!

Today is the 4th day of finding me! 

I weighed this morning and have lost 4 lbs.  I weigh 245.5, started 4 days ago weighing 249.5.

Yay, me!

 

I have been drinking lots of water.

 

I have been eating healthy, mostly whole foods.

 

Last night for dinner I made a wonderful soup. 

It was wild rice, mushrooms, onions, carrot matchsticks, green pepper, corn.  A little almond milk, reduced sodium chicken broth, little mustard powder, salt, pepper, thyme, curry powder and some chopped parsley.  I then added a small amount of grilled chicken breast that I had in the fridge I had bought for my salads when I felt the urge for more protein. 

 

It was really good!  The kids loved it and so did hubby. 

 

It was very filling, I'm assuming because of the wild rice and the corn together with the meat but it was delicious!

 

For breakfast today I had an Atkins TV dinner.  It was, as usual, after 10am before I decided to feed myself.  By this time I was hungry!

 

I also had a handful of grapes for snack and more water.

 

For lunch I made a salad with iceberg lettuce, fresh spinach, tomato, onion, an ounce of cheddar cheese and 3 oz of grilled steak with a vinegarette dressing.  Fabulous!

 

More water, more water, more water.

 

I haven't done a whole lot of movement today, as I have the 3 yr old nephew so it is mostly about him.  I did find time to watch a recording from yesterday and pay some bills and update some things on computer and now blog while the little one is napping. 

 

Two of the boys have speech therapy this afternoon at 3:30 so I will be peeling out of here as soon as little one wakes from his nap. 

 

I'm very happy with myself for making it past the 3 day mark with eating healthy. 

 

Usually by day 3 I begin reverting back to cravings and decide that one little bite of chocolate or one small bowl of tortilla chips won't hurt. 

 

And it wouldn't.

 

Except, I can't stop there. 

 

Once I feed my system those delicious sugars and salty foods, I'm done for.  I'm hooked and then I have to start all over again with the detox.

 

I've become very acquainted with the white throne in my house again, and am ... shall we say, purging some ugly that was built in my body.  Not a pretty picture but I have to say, I feel less bloated.  I have little-to-no swelling in my ankles and my body is happy to have mostly healthy foods in it!

 

I have had headaches here and there.  The water helps. 

 

I have been extremely tired, but I think that's mostly battling depression more than anything.  I also have a sluggish thyroid and PCOS and carrying around all this extra weight.  All of that makes me tired. 

 

But, I'm encouraged. 

 

I'm excited.

 

I can do this!

Weight loss already!

Last night I had to get up three times to pee! 

 

Crazy way to start a post, right?  But I'm excited about this.

 

You see, because I'm overweight, I have several health-related medical issues.  Nothing life threatening as of yet, but it could be if I don't get control of it NOW!

 

I have something called IIH.  It is inter-cranium swelling.  It's cerebrio-spinal fluid (sp?) that doesn't filter properly.  It causes me to retain fluid because my body does not process it the way it should.  It's mostly found in over weight women in their 30's-40's.  Welcome to my world.

 

But!  Because I'm drinking more (thanks J!) and peeing more, I'm losing the fluids!  I actually had ankles this morning!  Woo-hoo! 

 

My ankles were not swollen and puffy.  This was a happy day!

 

Then, as if that wasn't enough joy, I weighed and have already lost 3 lbs.

 

I know, I know, it's water weight.  But hey!  I'll take it! 

 

It's a beginning.  It's a start.  One small step for woman-kind! 

 

This woman, at least!  LOL!

 

This is butternut squash I doused with olive oil & a pinch of salt and baked for 25 mins at 400 degrees.  Then cut it up and mixed it with whole wheat spaghetti noodles.  A little salt & pepper, a little parmesan cheese on top, broccoli/cauliflower for side and a large salad.  That was dinner last night and it was yummy!  (Note:  This is a plate of leftovers for the boy's lunch.  My portion was nowhere near this large last night!)
 

Today's breakfast:  one sliced tomato, 2 boiled eggs and a pumpkin smoothie.  Delicious and very filling!

Lunch was salad with a Lean Cuisine meal.  The meal was not good so I did not eat but about half of it.  Lots of water throughout the day.

 I had several moments today that were quite rotten and as usual my typical first response was that I wanted to put something in my mouth. 

Instead, I grabbed all my cook books, surrounded myself with them and started picking out vegetarian and low-fat favorites.  I'm making a new cook book for me that only has low calorie, low fat but very high nutritional content. 

Funny thing is, my family loves it!  With the exception of a few grumbles about less meat, they always love the vegetarian and low-fat meals I prepare.

Best of all, the garden is starting to produce so we are almost set for some wonderful juicing in the morning.  I have several favorites that I will share in another post.

Today was not a good day emotionally, but it was (so-far!) a great day health-wise! 

I'm encouraged and I know that with your help and the help of several key people in my life...

We can do this!

Fighting the binge already!

I spent most of the afternoon on the couch. 

I found out yesterday my 56 yr old cousin committed suicide.  He was so handsome.  He literally looked like a young Elvis.  Lived in Hawaii most of his adult life and was tall, dark and handsome.  He served in the Air Force and had a beautiful daughter.  His sister passed away last year, she was younger than he.  Sad.

I'm also battling depression. 

Not sure if it's because of coming back from vacation with my crazy life sitting here waiting on me.  Or could it be that I'm detoxing and my body is pissed off it's not getting the sugars and carbs it's grown accustomed to?  Perhaps its because I sit on the brink of yet another beginning of a healthy journey to diet and lose weight and yet again, change my eating habits.  Maybe it's because of all the issues with my adopted children and I happened to have a day that I could just rest, and so I did.  That feeling is strangely unfamiliar to me.  I don't "rest" often.

Slept part of the afternoon, dosed part of it, watched TV part of it.  Wasted a day.  Blah!

I was advised by a very dear friend on how much water I should be drinking.  What?!  That's a lot of water!  So, on top of drinking so much, battling depression, detoxing from sugars/carbs...now I'm peeing every 15 minutes!

But, let's look at the positive...no binging so far today!

For dinner I made whole wheat spaghetti noodles with butternut squash.  Salt and pepper, add a dash of olive oil and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese.  Broccoli and cauliflower on the side and a wonderful salad with raspberry vinegarette dressing.  More water to drink.

The kids got into an argument at the table.  I ended it, one had to get the last word, she was sent to her room.  One had to argue about not understanding why he had to stay in bed just because he "supposedly" had a migraine today.  No school, no work, no TV or family time.  If you are sick, you stay in the bed, period.  One started her new job today and as dad and I were giving her advice she kept saying, "I know.  I know." , as if we were bothering her.  The lawnmower guy shows up just as I have water boiling, the phone blinking from a text and the hubby walking through the door.  All just at the pivitol point of me pulling up the butternut squash from the 400 degree oven. 

So, after dinner I retreat to the computer to get myself together.  The dang thing won't work!

Ya know, this is when I would normally reach for the cookies or a bag of chips...but I didn't!

Even though my brother is texting me and worrying me about information on cousin's funeral in Virginia and how nobody includes him on anything and sending me another text because I didn't respond fast enough to his summons.....well, you get the picture. 

My life is just hectic.   I don't understand when I became the one that does everything.

Now, I know that's not true.  So let's just say I'm having a pity party and leave it at that.  But it certainly seems at times that my life could be a sit-com because several moments each day remind me of I Love Lucy re-runs! 

Yet, I didn't eat.  I filled my water jug and kept drinking.

I didn't eat.

So, I'm gonna take this as a win for this battle for this moment.  And moment by moment we will conquer these bad eating habits.  I will recognize the strength that is within me and all that I handle daily and look at Rosie the Riveter on my blog page and say, "Yes, We can do it!"

I can do this!  Another day almost over.  Let's keep going. 

May 27, 2014...Day One

We spent the weekend in the Great Smokey Mountains, one of my favorite places. 

We, my husband of 24 years (in October), my two 16 year old boys, my 18 year old son, my 18 year old daughter and my 19 year old daughter. 

No, that's not a typo.  Those ages are accurate.  We have five adopted children.  Children with special needs and from hurt places.  Places I can't even tell you about.  Places I wouldn't dare to speak of.

We have been in a season of transition for about two years now.  Major life transitions. 

*  Oldest daughter getting in a pretty severe car wreck and being immobile for 6 months.
*  Second set of sibling adoption of 14 & 16 year old
*  Oldest daughter graduating home-school high school
*  Youngest daughter about to graduate public high school
*  3 oldest children taking on jobs
*  Me taking on the added duty of caring for my 8 yr old niece and 3 yr old nephew for extra income
*  Following God's leading in leaving our home church and beginning home church and searching for wherever He leads us next

Yes, it's been a tough few years.  We adopted the first sibling group 12+ years ago. 

It was hard.

It got harder.

And during this time, I gradually gained 5 lbs here, 5 lbs there.  And Monday I woke up, weighed and saw this number ... 249.5 ... staring at me.

It's not the heaviest I've ever been.  But ashamedly it's also a far cry from where I need to be.

I used to joke and tell people, "I still haven't lost my baby weight."  That worked for a few years, we would have a cordial chuckle about the irony of me not giving birth to these children and still gaining weight.  But now, 13 years later with five almost-grown children in tow, it's no longer a laughing matter.  It's no longer those pesky 5, 10 or even 15 pounds.  It's grown to a whopping number of gigantic proportions taking me into the morbidly obese category on the scale in my doctor's office.

I've tried to lose weight.  I've lost.  And as most of you can relate, gained it back ... and then some!

Well, no more!  I'm tired of it.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I'm done with being overweight and looking forward to the next season in life with the kids moving on and me moving down ... in size, that is! 

I have a goal to get to 175 lbs.   I may get smaller, but that is my goal.  I'm very solid.  Large-boned, as some would say.  But it's true, I weigh way more than I look like I do.  That's not always a goo thing.  I hid the weight for so long.  Now, there's no hiding it.  And at almost 42 yrs old, it's time to get serious about my health again.

I'd like to blog about this journey and share it with you.  Things that help.  Things that hurt.  Reasons I turn to food for comfort.  Oh yes, I do know why.  I've been at this weight-loss game a long time.  However, I'm tired of blaming others.  I'm tired of the yo-yo dieting and roller coaster ride.  I'm tired of five different sizes in my closet. 

It's time.

So, if you'll join me in this journey, I know I can do this!

Let's get started!

Yesterday was actually day one. 

Tuesday, May 27th. 

249.5 lbs

I weighed in and thought about breakfast.  As the morning progressed, as usual, I thought of everyone else and before I could even get time to eat, it was 11:00.  So, I started with a Lean Cuisine TV dinner and a banana.  I had water to drink.

In the afternoon I got a little hungry so I had a handful of lightly salted almonds. 

For dinner I made stuffed pasta shells with spinach and low-fat ricotta cheese, put spaghetti sauce over top and added part-skim mozzarella cheese over top.  Baked in oven for about 30 mins.  Added California veggies - broccoli, cauliflower & carrots and a salad.  The 3 yr old came in real whiney and the 8 yr old wanted to play games real loud so chaos ensued quickly after they got here.  (Not a complaint, it is my joy to keep them, just explaining the chaos.)  It got really loud in the house and my nerves got shortened and by the time dinner was almost ready a huge storm blew in causing small hail, flash flooding and wind gusts up to 60 mph.  Then there was the lightening and thunder which frightened the youngest into tears and triggered a few of the older kid's PTSD.   

Finally, we sat down to eat after calming words and settling the kids.  We ate in the dark and it got hot very quickly. And muggy.  Sticky muggy, ya know, we live in the south.

So I only ate 2 of the stuffed shells a few bites of salad and all of my California veggies.  We then went for an air-conditioned ride, then came home and got all the kids in bed.

That's my time.  All the kids are tucked in.  The lights are off.  The house is shut down.  The clothes are laid out for the morning.  That's when I binge. 

So, instead of grabbing chips or cookies, this night I ate two hard boiled eggs, a cheese stick and 2 dill pickle spears.  Watched TV in bed then dosed off about midnight.

Awoke this morning to start the day fresh.

One son had migraine, so he was crabby and moody.  Sent him back to bed.  Got the 2 other boys going with shower and breakfast.  Got the 2 youngest girls off to public school.  Did a little pre-school with nephew, gave him breakfast.  Oldest daughter got herself taken care of and just visited with nephew until sister came to get him.  The computers were acting up again.  Not sure if their not pinging each other or if there is too much anti-virus going on, but I'm gonna have to devote a day to get to the bottom of this as it is causing chaos with home-schooling and using our Alpha Omega Switched on Schoolhouse.  Get all that fixed and again, it's almost 10:00am and I haven't eaten. 

Again, I've taken care of everyone else.  Gotten all their issues done and cared for without caring for myself.

Finally, the grumble in my belly tells me it's time for sustenance.  I grab a 100 calorie nonfat greek yogurt and an Atkins shake.  Milk Chocolate delight.  Yummy!  It gets me through til now, which is 1:00 on Wednesday. 

Although I haven't listed every, single thing I've done today, I just wanted to give you an over-view of how chaotic my life is. 

I know how I'm supposed to care for myself first so that I can care for others.  I know all about putting on the oxygen mask first before helping others put theirs on.  But somehow, some where along the way, I've become Trauma Mama.  The kids have consumed my life and I've put them first for so long because no one else in their lives would. 

I've taken on this warrior stance of caring for them at all costs.  I won't be another parent to give up on this child!  I won't be another parent to let them fall behind, slip through the cracks and not get the therapy, meds, treatment they need.  I will home-school these children from hurt places so that I can individualize their education as well as have every day, all day to bond with them!

And then, somewhere along the road it went from joining in with them in fun activities, to watching them do their activities, to serving them and putting me last.

And now, I see the second season of my life like the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm not there yet, but I see it.  I see it!

And I want to be healthy enough to enjoy it.

So, that's the beginning.  That's where we'll start this journey. 

Feel free to join in and cheer me on (I could use it!)  Feel free to tell me what's worked for you.  Feel free to share words of wisdom.  But leave the judgment at the door.  I judge myself far harsher than anything you could dish.  But, I think blogging about all this will be very therapeutic for me and I'm hoping I'll meet a few friends along the way.

Thanks for sharing in this journey to health with me.